How (not) To Talk To A Girl

"Yaar bata na us ladki se kaise baat karun?" asked one of my friend edgily. 

Now before some of you mistakenly think of me as some Alex 'Hitch' Hitchens, ever ready with some kick-ass move up my sleeves, I'd better put up this disclaimer: I hereby do solemnly and sincerely and truly declare and affirm that my knack for schmoozing with girls is comparable to Sanjay Dutt's knack for dancing, which will be evident as this post advances. My friend's query was one of the millions of chance-events that occur everyday on this planet. 

Although I couldn't offer better than "Rahne de yaar, kuch nahi rakha is sab mein..padhai pe focus kar", it got me thinking. If I had to list down some random tasks and arrange them in order of their perceived difficulty by boys, it would look like (from easiest to most difficult one)

• find square root of an integer with minimum number of iterations in Newton's method
• do a somersault
• listen to Siddhu's shayari
• watch Balika Vadhu
• take a bath in winters
• ...(some)
• ...(million)
• ...(other)
• ...(stuff)
• ...(then some more)
• walk up to a girl and talk to her

Now theoretically, it shouldn't be this difficult. You stand up from your chair. You walk up to the girl. And you open your mouth to make certain intelligible sounds. Simple. (Yeah right!). But there is something intangible in the idea itself that would send chills down the spine of even most courageous of men. In fact, if not-having-the-courage-to-talk-to-a-girl were to be categorized as a disease, we would be dealing with a pandemic here. To be fair to my comrades, in a country like India, where even the slightest indication of misstep makes you an easy target of the individual frustrations of 'brothers' in the crowd, it is indeed wise sometimes to err on the side of caution. But still, to use it as an excuse for being a wimp would be like saying Sanju baba doesn't dance well lest Hrithik be out of demand. 

As it turned out, my friend wasn't a wimp. Don't know whether he was inspired (or shattered) by Diggi boy's recent exploits, but he persisted nonetheless. So I recounted my two recent-most experiences to serve it as a template for avoiding pitfalls in such an endeavor. My friend was more than thankful for the primers. And in service of humanity, and for greater good, I present here (at cost of my ego) abridged versions of those two encounters, and leave it to my fellow bros to learn, whatever they can, from it.

Backdrop:- 

I have always been a keen observer of human behavior. I have always enjoyed watching random quirks of people in social settings, particularly girls. Some of them give rise to impertinent contemplations like - how stupid does she have to be to say things like that? and sometimes, to a more sensible thought like - is she looking for directions? And it was all fine until a voice inside my head said - why don't you go and ask her? 

Now that was a scary but reasonable proposition. But it was clear to me that I could never just approach a girl and ask her whatever there was on my mind. So I tried to reason out with myself to find a justification, other than being a chicken, for not acting on my impulse. And this moot court runs inside my head everytime I get a 'thought', cumulative result of which is to make me extremely nervous. And when I get this nervous, I can even make the King of 'The King's Speech' look pretty smooth. 

Moreover, all this dialectics inside my head wasn't good for my confidence. So I resolved to man up and pounce upon the next opportunity. 

I missed the next opportunity, obviously. And next, and many 'nexts' after that. Until one day universe conspired to make it happen.

Exhibit A:- 

At IIT Delhi, we have Student Exchange Program with many foreign institutes, of which I knew only about the French ones because of their shaky English and readily discernible accent. In one such group of foreign exchange students sitting in the Library, I noticed that one of the girls was perfectly fluent in English with unmistakable American accent (one of the advantages of watching truckloads of American movies and TV Series) and the devil inside my head instantly asked is she an American?

I successfully resisted the devil until one fine evening during the exams, she took the chair next to me in the Reading Room (also called R2).
Ooook. This is it. You're going to do this today sucker. You have a legitimate question to ask. Get the answer or else...but what if...NO BUTS. May be she sat next to you on purpose...hehe yeah of course..just ignore the fact that there was no other empty chair in the...JUST PRETEND IT YOU LOSER AND START TALKING YOU @!#$%@$#%# IN 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and...

Me: H..Hi..excuse me?
G1: Hi..yes?

Me:Are you an American?
G1: (smiling) Oh..no..no. I am Canadian

Me: Oh..ok..that's what I was wondering. I knew about our exchange program with French colleges but I didn't think we had one with any American college.
G1: I am from ...(Don't remember the name) college.

Me: (pretentious nod) Right. And what are you studying here?
G1: I am studying ...(Don't remember that either)

Me: Hmm. Interesting stuff. I am Narender btw
G1: (big smile again) I am ... (DO remember the name but don't feel like telling)

Me: Ok. So how has been your experience so far in India?
G1: Well. It's been good. My father has worked here previously and my brother had been here in exchange program as well. So I pretty much knew what to expect.

Me: Good thing then. Most of them get overwhelmed easily in India as...
G1: (she interrupted) I can imagine. I mean you see a lot of people around here. And I mean a lot

Me: (laughing) Yes that could be a factor.
G1: Where are you from?

Me: Do you know all places in India?
G1: I'll try my best

Me: I am from Rajasthan
G1: Ahh!!..(rolling eyes) who doesn't know Rajasthan? In fact, we are planning to celebrate Holi there. Which do you think would be better, Jaipur or Jodhpur?

As I eased into the conversation I became more and more relaxed. And that was the red signal. Because, as I get more relaxed, I get more careless about what I am saying and that's when I start churning out non-sense at a pace which even India TV can't match. So after 15-20 minutes of random chit-chat I pressed the Self-Destruct button

G1: (looking at my laptop screen) So what are you watching?
Me: How I Met Your Mother (I know. Not proud of it)

Now those who have watched this show know very well that it has one Canadian character and rest of the gang crack all kinds of jokes on her for being Canadian. I don't know how my subconscious accessed this information but before I knew...

Me: Why do these Americans make so much fun of you?

G1: W..What?
Me: In this show, there is a character from Canada and her friends make fun of her for being a Canadian. So I wonder if there is some backstory..I mean may be some reason..

G1: Umm..well..I don't know..I mean they think they are superior and all..and they like to make fun of people..but we don't mind..umm...reason?..I don't understand..how..may be if you could give me an example

I was on road to perdition. I should have stopped talking long ago. But I rarely do what I am supposed to do. She asked me to illustrate my point with an example. So I came up with the most non-racist, inoffensive, unprejudiced answer possible..

Me: Of Course. We have so many jokes on Sardars here and there are many backstories...blah blah blah (I was unstoppable)

She realized that with each passing second, my IQ level was dropping exponentially. So she decided to save me from myself and took the way out

G1: Umm..I should get back to my studies...
Me: Yes. Yes. Of course. All the best for your exam

And suddenly I became aware of the colossal stupidity that was on the display for the last few minutes. I was tempted to do some damage control right then but I knew I would only manage to make it worse. So I decided to let it go. For the time being.

Our paths crossed again a few weeks later. I made some small talk, asked about her Holi etc. etc and made sure that I excused myself quickly, well before my 'settle-in' period. Like they say, all's well that ends well. May be I'll find that out someday.

Exhibit B:-

Despite showcasing my discerning persona & an acute sense of what to ask a girl on first meeting, I was emboldened by the experience. I'd realized the merit of what-doesn't-kill-you-makes-you-stronger argument. So I promised myself to kick it up a notch - no waiting for the girl to come and sit in the last empty chair next to you; instead exercise your free will and make it a point of following the 'simple' steps of getting out of chair, walking up to the girl and uttering something other than non-sense.

So after my last Mains' exam, on a lazy winter afternoon, I decided to make good on my promise and 'Act'. Once again the crime scene was same. I looked around. There weren't many people in the R2. And that's when I noticed the girl sitting directly opposite to me across the room.
OOOK. Showtime. Get up...May be not. She's studying. Shouldn't disturb her...Oh Not Again! Remember the promise?...I do. Just not now. May be later. Tomorrow?...Ok there's been too much build up now. If you don't go now then your confidence will be hit. No option now boy. C'mon, she's a person. Nothing to fear. Worst case scenario - she'll say she's busy. Now Start walking in 5, 4..

I stood up at 4 and started the long frightful walk. Now I've approached strangers and talked to them before, but in each of those instances the social setting was conducive for the effort e.g. some Fest. or Socials etc. There you have all sorts of excuses at your disposal. But a girl studying intently in library isn't an ideal setting for carrying out such social experiments. So I almost froze when I reached her table.

First things first. Say Hi

Me: Hi
G2: (she looked up and didn't say anything) ..

Oook. What next. May be turn around and walk back? Ok. Be straightforward

Me: (softly) May I talk to you?

She was amused at my request and smiled brightly. Now with a smile like that, I was filled with such a confidence that I could have killed a lion with my bare hands. Ok..may be not. But you get the point.

G2: Yes. Of course. Please sit down

And I took the chair she'd offered

Ok. Mission Accomplished. Now what? May be make some excuse and leave. Just tell her you confused her with some old acquaintance, apologize and leave. Hmm. How 'bout honesty-is-the-best-policy?

Me: Actually I was sitting back there thinking of talking to you for past 20 mins but...(words escaped me at this point)
G2: (laughing) Why? What was so scary?

Me: Ah..no..nothing scary as such..it's just that..I didn't know...(words escaped me again)
G2: Yeah I know. Girls can be intimidating at times. Don't worry. Relax

And that's what I did. I relaxed. She was easily the most friendly stranger I've ever met or am likely to meet, I dare say

Me: I am Narender
G2: I am ... (And incidentally that was the most beautiful name I'd heard in a long time, reason for which I was about to find out shortly)

Me: I must say I didn't expect you to be this easy-going. I mean girls aren't that comfortable talking to a stranger generally.
G2: Well. May be that's because I've seen you around here. You are here a lot with books and all. So you weren't that stranger. Otherwise I'd have been skeptical too. I think you are preparing for some exam..right?

Me: Yes. Yes. Civil Services. And you?
G2: I am doing .... from here. And I have GRE in 4 days. So right now I am studying for it.

Me: Oh..so sorry for disturbing you. I..
G2: No it's ok.

Me: So next semester will be your last semester
G2: No. Actually this was my last semester because ...So I'll be leaving after GRE (she gave me a reason which was pretty compelx. Point is she was leaving).

Me: Oh. Then may be I should have talked to you sooner

Now it was supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek James Bond-esque one liner like

                                  to the effect 

                            But it came out like this

                               to the effect 

And before any awkwardness could creep in such a smooth conversation, she got a call. It was Divine Intervention.

So she started talking on the phone...in Hindi. And that's when I realised it. She was from Kashmir. And suddenly I was pumped up. I'd always wanted to meet a Kashmiri and find out his opinion on some of the sensitive issues and discuss it. This was it. A sort of dream had come true. So when she put down the phone..

Me: You are from Kashmir!
G2: (surprised) Yes. How did you know?

Me: Your accent
G2: (partly amused, partly impressed) I didn't know I had an accent

Me: I mean your hindi. The way you spoke on the phone
G2: You can recognize different accents?

Me: Prominent ones yes. Or those which I've encountered so far
G2: That's really good

Me: Can I ask you something, if you don't mind?

But she knew what was coming next. And suddenly her guard was up

G2: Yes of course. Please just don't let it be religion and politics.
Me: ...
G2: It's just that I don't like to talk about these subjects. People say things without understanding the other point of view and that's hurtful.

Me: It's Ok. Ok. No Problem

So after 5 minutes of other random chit chat, which included checking with her if a facebook friend request was in order (to which she said yes and accepted it a few hours later), I couldn't resist myself and..

Me: You know. We don't have to talk about religion or politics. But may be if you could tell me your viewpoint on the situation in the valley..I mean objectively speaking..
G2: (smiling) That's the same thing. It will include both religion and politics. And I can't be objective about it. There are people involved, emotions involved.

Me: Right. I am sorry. I won't push. Sorry
G2: (smiling) It's ok

So after another 5 mins of random chit chat, I wished her best for her exam and left. As fate would have it, I was in for another surprise in a few hours. In the evening, I called up my 4-am-friend and I told him about the girl. "Sounds pretty cool. What's her name?" He asked that to continue with our age-old sacred tradition of analyzing girls' Facebook profiles (I know. We don't have a life). I told her the name and he pulled up her profile. Obviously, everything was blocked for strangers except some basic details and profile pic. That's when my friend pointed out..

4A-F: abe, tu common friends mein kyun nahi dikh raha?
Me: kyunki tu uski friend list mein nahi hai na

4A-F: haan par common friends to dikhte hi hain na?
Me: ...

She had removed me from her friend list in a matter of hours.

The next day, I was sitting in the same chair in the R2, wondering what might be her reasons for doing so. And precisely at that moment I saw her entering the R2. So I decided to give my brain some rest and ask her instead. She was a bit apprehensive, may be dreading having to explain the deletion. But I didn't ask her anything of that sort. Whom she should keep in her friend list and whom she shouldn't was her prerogative. I just wanted to make sure that it wasn't because of my dogged insistence on discussing Kashmir. Though she denied it to be the reason, it wasn't that convincing. And then she dished out the standard girl excuse. She said she wasn't "socializing much" and was right now "focusing" on her studies. That was my cue to leave.

Now after this exasperatingly long blogpost, if you are looking for some 'tips', then I don't have any for you. May be just avoid asking questions which could force them to explain why certain people make fun of them or questions which they have explicitly denied answering to. Keep it simple and NOT stupid and you should be fine. As for the voice inside my head, I have choked it for the foreseeable future.